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ARTICLES ON GRIEF
Suggested Reading

Problems of Survivors

Isolation and helplessness in a world that is seen as hostile and uncaring and that frequently blames the victim.
Feelings of guilt for not having protected the victim.
The memory of a mutilated body at the morgue; "How much did my loved one suffer?"
Getting back the personal belongings of a murder victim.
Sensational and/or inaccurate media coverage.
Lack of information.
Endless grief.
Loss of ability to function on the job, at home or in school, etc.
The strain on marriages (frequently resulting in divorce) and the strain on family relationships.
Effects on health, faith and values.
Effects on other family members, children, friends, co-workers, etc.
Indifference of the community, including professionals, to the plight of survivors.
Society's attitude regarding murder as a form of entertainment.
Financial burden of medical and funeral expenses.
Medical expenses for stress-related illnesses and professional counseling for surviving family members.
Financial burden of hiring private investigators, etc.
Public sympathy for murderers.
The feeling that the murderer, if found, gets all the help; survivors of homicide victims have few rights.
Outrage about the leniency of the murderer's sentence.
Disparities in the judicial system (frequently punishments for property crimes are as great or greater than the crime of taking a human life).
Anger over a plea-bargain arrangement/agreement.
Frustration at not being allowed inside the courtroom at the time of trial.
Unanswered questions about the crime, such as "What happened?"
Unanswered questions about postponements and continuous delays throughout the trial.
Bitterness and loss of faith in the American criminal justice system.
After conviction, the long appeals process begins.
Constantly reliving your story through the dreaded parole process.

Things that Hinder Grief

Trying to make the family feel better by using cliché's:
- It'll be all right (how can it be all right, their loved one is dead)
- It'll get better (things do get easier, but it takes many months, years - too far in the future for families to get comfort from these words)
- It was God's will (what does that make the murderer, God's little helper?)
- He/she was just in the wrong place, at the wrong time (this statement places blame on the victim) - one mother stated, "My daughter was home in bed at 2:00 am when the murderer broke in and raped and murdered her. Where was she supposed to be at that time?"
- Time heals all wounds (time doesn't heal anything - it's what you do with that time)
It is very common to be uncomfortable with the pain that families experience. The pain is overwhelming, but be careful not to reinforce their theories that have no basis, i.e. surmising exactly what took place, who is guilty, or that there is a conspiracy. Too often, these theories are based on the family's inability to obtain information, or to get answers to their many questions.
Making promises you can't keep, e.g., "Don't worry, we'll catch the person who did this." What happens if you don't? "Don't worry, if they lie on the stand, we'll charge them with perjury." Remember that families are going to hold you to those promises.
Making promises on behalf of others, e.g., "Don't worry. The prosecutor will see to it that he gets life." You don't have the knowledge or authority to make promises on behalf of others. Often this is done because the professional is uncomfortable with the family's pain and is trying to make them feel better.
Professionals that are not adequately trained.
When we assume that the family has been provided necessary information, and understands or has a road map for:
- The charges
- The possible outcomes - death penalty, life, possibility of parole
- The procedures - whether or not they can be in the courtroom, etc.
- The possibility of continuances
When the professional is suffering from burnout:
- The job becomes routine
- It will affect his/her patience
- it will modify his/her attitude

Burnout can cause one to be more edgy and defensive, indifferent and apathetic. Questions from family members may be viewed by the professional with anger, which results in friction between the professional and the family.

When professionals become angry, or irritated with the family, they usually begin to:

Avoid any contact, i.e. refusing to return calls.
Make excuses, "I have ten other cases I'm working on." Remember that the victim's family only has one case in which they're interested. The family is not responsible for the fact that the professional has other cases, or that he/she is suffering from burnout and possibly needs a vacation. Can you imagine going to a cancer specialist, only to be told, "I have ten other cases I'm working on."

Prejudices and stereotypes mandate how a case is handled.
- "good vs. bad victim"
- "good vs. bad family"
- "poor vs. rich families"
- "minorities"
- If the victim's life style put them at greater risk (prostitution, homosexuality, drug involvement, etc.)

The professional's attitude or feelings about the victim will invariably come across to the family. Prejudices and stereotypes only intensify the anger, guilt, and grief already experienced by the family, causing them to isolate themselves. Guilt and shame may keep survivors from seeking help or support.

Family, professionals, and society place unrealistic " shoulds " on surviving survivors:
- You should be over that by now
- You should get out and have some fun
- You should be feeling better
- You should be able to forgive
- You should put it behind you and get on with your life

NOTE: Survivors of homicide victims do not have a roadmap on their journey through the aftermath of murder. Professionals are in the delicate position to help or hinder. In fact, the professional holds the key to most of the information that the family will seek in their travels. Survivors need patience with themselves and others, sensitivity, and above all, honesty. Expect that families may be needier, more demanding, and angrier than other victims of crime. Their needs and intense feelings are normal under the circumstances and must be validated. Please try to understand that total resolution or closure for survivors cannot be expected. They integrate the tragedy into their lives, they painfully reconstruct their very being, and they strive for a "new normal" way of life.

Sibling Grief

When a brother or sister dies, the sudden reality of a death is too much for families to accept all at once. Siblings who are left with this pain can experience extreme loneliness because they believe that no one understands what they're going through. They may feel that they cannot share their feelings with other members of the family because they want to protect them from additional pain. Due to the shock and confusion that murder brings, there will be no comprehension of why their brother or sister was so quickly taken away from them.

Why Sibling Grief is Different

Siblings have their own method of grieving. Their parents lost a child, they have lost a sibling, and the relationship is completely different. Many times siblings will experience a loss of identity as their self-image is inter-related with the person lost. Siblings may experience varied emotions including anger, guilt, grief, and abandonment. They may attempt to deal with these powerful feelings through denial or suppression. Sometimes siblings' experience may be further complicated by the failure of others to recognize their loss. They may be coping not only with the loss of a sibling, but also with the loss of functional parents.

Actual Comments from Siblings:

Denial - "Because murder is too hard to accept, I denied it happened. I did it for my own protection. I pretended it happened to someone else."
Anger - "Verbally I would lash out at everyone. I couldn't express any other feeling. My sister was gone and as far as I was concerned it was the world's fault."
Guilt - "My guilt led me to ask questions like 'Why am I still here?', 'Why wasn't it me?', and 'What did I do wrong for this to happen to my sister?'"
Fear - "When my brother was murdered, I thought who is next in our family. All of a sudden our family is a target and we can't hide and protect ourselves from further harm."
Physical Distress - "I couldn't relax. My body suffered from the stress with headaches, neck aches, and having a few hours of sleep including nightmares didn't help."
Loss of Innocence - "I'm no longer a child it seems. Murder made me grow up too fast and I lost a big part of my childhood that I can never get back."
Protective - "When my sister was murdered, I was taking the role of my parents. I came to their side to comfort them. It took a while for me to think of my own grief."
Loneliness - "I had a friend of ten years tell me she couldn't handle being my friend anymore. She told me she didn't want to continue our relationship because she thought that murder would spread to her and her family."
Depression - "I didn't want to get up from bed. If I did I would dread going outside. I didn't want to see anyone. I felt that I couldn't trust anyone anymore so I didn't want to make eye contact."

Pointers for Parents

Helpful

Accept your child's feelings. Allow them to grieve in their own way and encourage the expression of feelings.
Work on your own grief. Express sadness, anger and frustration. Parents and children may be drawn together by sharing each other's grief.
Spend time regularly with each child. This will offer assurance that they are loved. Show them that they are as important as the lost sibling.
Find healthy ways to remember your loved one. There are ways to cherish their memory. Some suggestions would be writing down memories in a journal, organizing photos in a special album, or framing special artwork or writings.
Each child needs individual acceptance. Try and nurture their own identity.
Get help. Getting outside help may make it easier for them to communicate.

Not Helpful

Don't judge. Don't tell them not to cry, or suggest they be strong. Their loss needs to be recognized.
Don't keep feelings to yourself. Withholding your emotions from the rest of the family may inhibit others.
Don't avoid them. This will make them feel rejected and abandoned. Don't make them feel that they have become a burden.
Don't take down family pictures. This may be interpreted by the sibling as a loss of family and may be devastating.
Don't compare the lost child to the living child. It could lead them in thinking they can't measure up.
Don't limit their space. This may happen if you feel a great need to be over-protective.

Suggested Reading

Rip in Heaven: A Memoir of Murder and its Aftermath
Author: Jeanine Cummins

Review written by one of our survivors: It’s a true crime story, as told from the victim’s family’s viewpoint - it’s written by the victims’ cousin. It’s a very emotional read, but very well-written. It gives the reader some insight into what the Homicide Survivor goes through - My husband read the book after I did, and that lead to some interesting conversations between us. He asked me some questions about the emotional aspects of being a survivor that he had never asked before. I’ve read a lot of true crime books, but this was one of the few that I felt really represented the surviving victims’ side of the story. http://www.ripinheaven.com/index.html

Aftermath, In The Wake of Murder
Author: Carrie Freitag

This book is a resource for anyone wanting to understand murder bereavement as a professional or a friend. This book helps one understand how this massive trauma pervades every aspect of life, throughout life. It breaks things down and the chapter headings help one use it as a reference to read something validating depending how you are feeling, or what you are experiencing (such as going to a trial).

And I Don't Want to Live This Life : A Mother's Story of Her Daughter's Murder
Author: Deborah Spungen

This book tells the story of the murder of her daughter, Nancy, and her family's survival in the aftermath of Nancy's death. Murder: the unlawful killing of one human being by another, especially with malice aforethought is the definition in the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language. The mother of a murdered child has a different definition: "The blackest hell accompanied by a pain so intense that even breathing becomes as unendurable labor. I know; I am the mother of a murdered child"

This information taken from Survivors of Violent Loss.
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No Time For Goodbyes
Coping with Sorrow, Anger and Injustice After a Tragic Death
Author: Janice Harris Lord

A Grief Like No Other
Surviving the Violent Death of Someone You Love
Author: Kathleen O’Hara

When Bad Things Happen To Good People
Author: Harold S. Kushner

When Flowers Fade
Author: Minister Charlie Holley
Local book: email ministerholley@netscape.net

How To Go On Living When Someone You Know Dies
Author: Teresa Rando

Surviving When Someone You Love Was Murdered
Author: Lula Moshoures Redmond